It's my brother... I can't even think straight from what happened to him yesterday. . . and all I have to answer for your worries is Vince when there's no way you want to hear about him, and that's all I have to say. . .
There was a game where everyone was supposed to write themselves as some main hero. . . Vince wouldn't do it, so Mirage did. Cast him as some normal model. We were living happily with Oswald and Lacie as our adopted parents. Just adopted...
He smiled and joked, just talked about nothing, cared about little things. And I worried him with such a serious face.
The next day, he called me again, and I was still so twisted up over how he'd never had a chance like that, that it was a laughably good, completely fake dream... he was really hurt by it, too... that kind of thing hurts, and isn't that just pathetic?...
For a minute I made him feel like I just wanted that impossible him to be real, that it was no good whatever he did now. He said I could change his past. I felt so rotten. I want him to have a better life, but not like that, it isn't the only way... It isn't... it isn't.
It's always going to hurt to have someone taunt you with something you can't have. Mirage should have realized that.
But that isn't the way for you and it won't be the way for Vincent either. Really, no one's changing the past anymore. That never worked out anyway. You've been happy with him the way he is now, haven't you?
[his voice gets more rambly; with the command to keep talking he just keeps talking, and he's so tired]
Yeah... I told him that...
It's just so damn hard. And we're always making it harder, he's making it harder, but with all that's happened--! Th... there's good, too, we're so much better than before... It just... hurt. Yesterday. It really hurt. There was just nothing to do. There's so much he's doing and trying because of me. He wants to be dead and I was supposed to give him that and instead I'd rather damn the world, yell at him whenever he threatens someone...
All of this, because I stubbornly, selfishly... won't let go. Of this life with you, or of him. I... have this incredible happiness, and he doesn't, not yet.
[I am so many levels of mad and upset and sad with you right now Gilbert Nightray]
You—so just what is stubbornly letting yourself die supposed to accomplish? Don't you think that hurts him too? Does that make it any easier? Lelouch and I are both right here, Gil!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: [DAY 243]
[catches onto the hand that's still there, you're not getting this one back]
And what about as my lover? As my best friend? After all this time aren't I more to you than just your master?
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Y... you're everything, you're all of those. I just... as all of those things, even moreso... That's all part of belonging to you. . .
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If you belong to me you shouldn't be keeping secrets from me.
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. . .
[mumbly, running the pad of his thumb under Oz's eye, fingers skritching lightly in his hair. His eyes are still a little glazed.]
. . . I was letting of steam. . .
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[leans into it, watching him closely]
There's other ways to do that. And you know I'm going to ask you why.
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I'm sorry... I didn't go out thinking to do such a thing, but then... it happened, and. . .
It's just... that I felt so helpless... and useless... deeper than I have in a very long time. . .
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[siigh, turns and nuzzles at his hand]
What happened with you? Both you and Lelouch have been weird since yesterday.
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I'm sorry. . .
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Don't just apologize for it. Unless you want me to spend all of today worrying about you too.
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S-sorry...
It's my brother... I can't even think straight from what happened to him yesterday. . . and all I have to answer for your worries is Vince when there's no way you want to hear about him, and that's all I have to say. . .
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[but Gil is messed up so there's only one way to deal with this]
I'm telling you to tell me about your brother so tell me about your brother.
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. . .
There was a game where everyone was supposed to write themselves as some main hero. . . Vince wouldn't do it, so Mirage did. Cast him as some normal model. We were living happily with Oswald and Lacie as our adopted parents. Just adopted...
He smiled and joked, just talked about nothing, cared about little things. And I worried him with such a serious face.
All the weight was gone.
Re: [DAY 243]
[oh, you actually said it]
[also that is really fridge terrible]
[reaches out with his free hand, brushing Gil's bangs from his face]
So when he called you yesterday, you saw something that could have been, but something that you can't have.
Re: [DAY 243]
[you told me to!!]
... It never could have been.
The next day, he called me again, and I was still so twisted up over how he'd never had a chance like that, that it was a laughably good, completely fake dream... he was really hurt by it, too... that kind of thing hurts, and isn't that just pathetic?...
For a minute I made him feel like I just wanted that impossible him to be real, that it was no good whatever he did now. He said I could change his past. I felt so rotten. I want him to have a better life, but not like that, it isn't the only way... It isn't... it isn't.
Re: [DAY 243]
[huffssss, leaning heavily into Gil's hand]
It's always going to hurt to have someone taunt you with something you can't have. Mirage should have realized that.
But that isn't the way for you and it won't be the way for Vincent either. Really, no one's changing the past anymore. That never worked out anyway. You've been happy with him the way he is now, haven't you?
Re: [DAY 243]
[his voice gets more rambly; with the command to keep talking he just keeps talking, and he's so tired]
Yeah... I told him that...
It's just so damn hard. And we're always making it harder, he's making it harder, but with all that's happened--! Th... there's good, too, we're so much better than before... It just... hurt. Yesterday. It really hurt. There was just nothing to do. There's so much he's doing and trying because of me. He wants to be dead and I was supposed to give him that and instead I'd rather damn the world, yell at him whenever he threatens someone...
All of this, because I stubbornly, selfishly... won't let go. Of this life with you, or of him. I... have this incredible happiness, and he doesn't, not yet.
S... so when a beast cut me down I just let it.
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[forget the rest of what you said, it's the last part that sticks]
Gil . . .
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[I am so many levels of mad and upset and sad with you right now Gilbert Nightray]
You—so just what is stubbornly letting yourself die supposed to accomplish? Don't you think that hurts him too? Does that make it any easier? Lelouch and I are both right here, Gil!
Re: [DAY 243]
[his throat closes up]
I... I know, I know... I... it was nothing but selfish self-satisfaction...!
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[uugh uugh huffs and flops down, burying his face in Gil's shoulder]
Vincent isn't the only one who's trying, you've said that yourself. If you're going to support him then you need someone to support you as well.
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[PINCHES HIS CHEEK HARD]
Were you even listening to a word I just said?
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[ahaaowwww]
I--! Y-yes! But I-- but this...!
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[sits up to look him in the eye, catching his face in both hands]
Do you think I'd rather have this or you letting yourself selfishly die so you can carry everything by yourself?
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